Do I Have a Need, To Grieve???

Grief is something that I don’t really know too much about.

I’ve mostly just got on with life. But our lives, for me and my wife, has known loss. (My wife is a stroke survivor.)

But by and large, we’ve just got on with things (by trying to focus on what we have, and not what we have lost). Which is why it took me by surprise when I suddenly had this short period of grief, or grieving, for the loss that we have experienced.

So that this doesn’t become a long rambling post, I’m just going to state that it happened, and that’s about as much as I’m going to say, as an introduction to this post, and not go into to many details.

As I write, … I wrote it out.

So, below is what was written at the time, as I was going through it. (A bit of a strange time, to my thinking???)

(If you are thinking that this is sounding like a lot of nonsense, please feel free to give it a miss, unless your Heavenly Father is telling you to keep on reading.)

______________

It took me some time, to just come up with the words, for the title of this post. The idea, has kind of been in me, but, of how to vocalise it, just seems to be, a little bit, more difficult.

No one has died. So I don’t have a need to grieve, because of a death.
But I am becoming, that much more aware, that I have suffered a loss, that I have, probably, just been ignoring.
It’s the loss of a life, that I expected to have.

My wife is disabled, and our lives have been very different, to what we expected them to be. We have both suffered the loss, from what our lives, should have been, and my eyes, are currently, being opened up to the idea, that I’ve never really, grieved, for that loss.
Mostly, I’ve not even been aware that, such a need could even exist. I’ve just been getting on with life. So, it’s a bit of a shock, and a confusing one at that, that I may even need to, grieve, for the life, that has been lost to us.

I don’t even know, if I really know, what it is, to grieve, for our, lost life, of what should have been?

Does my wife, also have a need to grieve, for this loss???
Or has she already gone through this process, in some way?

We have both, acknowledged that life just hurts, at times, in some way or another, in the past. But then that’s just confusing me, a little bit more.
If I’ve acknowledged the hurt, then isn’t that, some form of grief?
So, haven’t I done, this grief thing, already, in some form???

So, why am I now having to face up to the idea, that I have a need to grieve, for the life, that we should have had???

Is there a need to pay no attention to the thoughts that this is daft and silly, and that there’s no need to look into this, here and now?

As confusing and silly, as this all seems to be, there’s a small, half thought, of, don’t just try to hide and bury this away, somewhere, where it doesn’t even need to be looked at.

Writing this post, is part of my process, of trying to not, just bury the issue.

But, what is the process, to grieve for a loss, of anything?

To actually, acknowledge, that a loss, has occurred, which is painful and, or upsetting, in some ways?
Is what I’ve just written, the starting point?
To acknowledge that something, (that was of value), has been lost, and it’s actually upsetting, and hurts, in some way?

….

Have I worked my grief out, by writing this, or is there more, or something else, to be done?

…

Then, there’s even the thought of, am, “I even allowed, the space or time to grieve for this loss?” As I am a carer, for my wife.
Am I allowed, or will I even have the space, to fall apart, and just grieve, for this loss, that we’ve, just been living with???

It’s not nice, to face up to any of these things, but, is there a need, to actually do it?
To go through a grieving process, for that, which was lost?

…

Writing this, has been, a bit on the emotional side, so, does that mean, that it’s now job done?
Box ticked, and I can now move on, without the loss, hiding somewhere in the background?
Or is there still, something else to be done?
A further process, or something, to be done?

Would I benefit, from trying to apply the three little words of, “Accept, Repent and Forgive“, to the loss, that, me and my wife, has suffered?
Or, will there be a something else, to be done, on another day?

For today, in the here and now, I’ll just try to seek my Lord God’s face, and ask, “What do I do with this? How do I go forward with this? Do I even, ever dare to publish, what I’ve just written here?”
(There are some things, that can be written, then never shared.)

__________________

It’s been about a week, since I wrote the above. My hope that it might be, “box ticked, job done”, appears to be, not the case.
I don’t think that I can write up the full account, as it could end up being a book. So, the short version is, it’s been shown to me, that I’m a bit (more than I’d like) annoyed and angry with… I don’t know what???

My eyes have been opened to, my being, over the top annoyed, by the silliest of things???
They are only little micro outbursts, but, I don’t like them.
If I put this together, with the possible idea, that I may have a need to grieve, well, it seems that it’s not “job done”, just yet.

Now that I have come to this point, what do I do next?

There is the option to not even think about it. For some, this might even be the right choice, for a time.
But seeing as I’m currently wrestling with this, I’m thinking that it’s probably, not the right choice for me, at this point in time.

The best option that I’d always council to be anyone’s first choice is…
Take it to The Lord, in prayer.
I’ve been kind of doing this, but it still seems that I’m constantly asking, “What’s next, where do I go with this?”
This is where we have a need to have open ears, that are willing to hear, what it is, that Our Lord God, is speaking to us.

There is a small thought, that seems to be lingering around.
“Send what I’ve written here, as an email, to the pastor of my church.”

There are many voices saying many things that go against this thought. They include…
You want to bother someone else, with something, that you don’t understand yourself, really?
You’re going to look very silly!
He’s so busy, he won’t have any time for this.
He won’t even be interested in any of this nonsense.
This is all nonsense, that’s just going round your head, there’s no need to bother anyone else with this.

I can sum all of these thoughts up as,
“Thoughts from the enemy, who wants to stop me from entering into a greater freedom.”
As such, I know that they should All be ignored, and the small quiet voice, should be sought out, listened to, and more importantly, followed.

For me, I guess that at this point, all that I’ve written here this far, will be making its way to my pastor… ???
Then it’s over to You, Lord God, for where we go to next.

______________

The above is what was written at the time.

To me, it still seems like a bit of nonsense, even though it was very much so real at the time. I do find it a bit ironic that a short time before I wrote the above, I wrote something that included a thought about, it’s possible to go through something, and to not be negatively affected by it. The thought that I’m getting as I write this is, “Grief can be something that you can have a need to work through, in order to get to the end of it.” (My disclaimer again, I’m no expert, when it comes to this.)

I do feel that a finishing note, or something is still needed here, so I’ll try to write something, and see where it goes to???

I did meet with my pastor, and it was a good time.

We did speak about what was written above, but there wasn’t any need, or direction/prompting to do any real kind of deep dive into the subject.

It was just more of a friendly chat, which worked out well for me.

One bit of advice that I was given, was to pray in tongues about it, (after my pastor had confirmed that I do speak in tongues), which I have done a little bit. The thought process was, if you don’t know how to vocalise what’s going on, use a spiritual language, which can try to work through that, which you are struggling with.

As I said, I did a bit of this.

I’d love to be able to say that it’s now job done, and I can just carry on as I was before this all occurred. I’m not experiencing any real grief at present, and what needed to be done, may actually now be done??? I know that we are all different, and as such, it may be a different experience for all who have to go through the road of grief/grieving.

As I’m no expert on this subject matter, the only closing remark that I feel I can make, for any who are affected by what is written here, is to seek out your Heavenly Father and to ask/present your need/concerns before Him. Then try to hear what His advice is, and then, most importantly, to follow where He leads you to go.

Heavenly Father,

I thank you, that You are with us at all times.

Please do lead and guide us, in the ways that we should go.

Help us when we are struggling.

Thank you that You are for us and that You are there to help us.

Our Lord God and Loving Heavenly Father.

Amen