When the wheels fell off.

Even as I’m posting this, I’m still thinking, “Are you sure??”
Posting this, in some ways, feels like lighting a stick of dynamite.
Lord, into Your hands I commit this post.

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My last post ended with, “Will I share my ugly rock?” I still don’t know the answer to that one, at the present moment. I’m still in the, take the next step phase of things, so with that in mind, I’ll just keep trying to write it out. Just as if I’m having a conversation with myself. (Leaving the question of to publish or not, to another day.)

I’m coming to the understanding that my wife’s care, in the early days, was medically negligent.
It’s not nice to think that mistakes were made, but I feel that they were. The full measure of those mistakes, I may not ever even know. A conversation with a family member, just opened my eyes to a few things that I was unaware of, or just forgotten. But I do know that one night, it felt as if I was caught in a Medical Mexican Stand Off, with the hospital staff.

I have previously written about our bad time, but I had mis-written one night in particular.
In the previous post of Something of our Testimony Part 1, I had written about a bad night, and stated that my wife received treatment before I went home. The truth of that night is very different to that fantasy. What follows next is the truthful account of what happened, that night.

My wife was having seizures, and the nurses were following the doctor’s last instruction on how to deal with them. It was, “Let’s just ride this out and let it run its course, it’s only a small one, and let’s not use medication, if it’s not needed.”

That sounds like a good thing to do, if they are small and infrequent, as they were, when that course of action was decided to be taken.

But what about when things change?
When they change slowly, so that the changes, are not so obvious to see?
How long do you keep following that same thinking?

In the nurses case, the answer was all the way to the end of their shift, and then the next nurses, take over, with a hand over of, “This is what has happened.” Then possibly, “We are following the advice of the doctor, which is…. . The relatives have been a bit of trouble, we’ve just stayed out of their way.”

I don’t actually know what was said in the hand over, but the new nurses, didn’t speak too much to us. Even though it was getting late into the night, and visiting time was long gone. And we (at some point in time, my Mum had joined us) were still there, waiting for something to happen, to help my wife. Who by this time, was now having frequent seizures, of a greater magnitude, which the nurses appeared to be not concerned about. (At this point my wife was not on a neurological ward.)

We had asked, insisted, that a doctor be involved and was in a constant state of, “Something has to change soon.” But nothing appeared to be happening.
I can remember seeing someone who looked as if they were a junior doctor, speaking with the nurses, (I can’t remember if it was the new or old shift nurses, but I think it was the new shift nurses) and then they were gone.
Still no change in the treatment (or lack of treatment.)

We had both reached the point of desperation.
I had gone through outright aggression, almost having a full blown row with one of the the original shift nurses. Only averted because I walked out, to get some breathing space. When I came back, it appeared that the nurse was ready and waiting for round two. I believe that I just didn’t engage in round two, but just tried to concentrate on my wife.

Is this part of the reason of, why the staff didn’t engage with me that much?
Is it part of the reason of why we were never asked to leave?
It was well into the sleeping hours of the night, before we left.

The fact that it was into the sleeping hours of the night, also meant that I didn’t want to make a fuss, and then disturb the other patients on the ward, whilst still wanting and waiting for my wife to be seen, and cared for.

With hindsight, I know that I should have called for an ambulance.
There wasn’t an A & E department at the hospital my wife was staying at, so I couldn’t just wheel her down to the A & E department. But I am sure that I should have called for an ambulance, or at least made the threat to do so, and if needed, to then just do it.
But I didn’t, and we are where we are.
Would it have made a difference, if I had called for that ambulance???
I just don’t know.

In the end, out of sheer desperation, me and my Mum just left.
We were thinking, “If we are not here, creating a screen that the nurses can’t see through, then perhaps they will see her, and then give her the care that she needs???”
I now firmly believe that this was a mistake, and that we should have called for an ambulance, but at the time, we could only see the two options. Remain, waiting and hoping that something will happen, while wondering, are we part of the problem, by being a screen that is stopping the nurses from seeing what is going on.
Or just go, and hope that they then actually see my wife, and then do something to help her.

As I have said, looking back it feels as if it was a Medical Mexican Stand Off. A stalemate, nowhere to go, with no good options.
Option 3, of call the ambulance, was just not in our minds.

Why would it be?
My wife was in a hospital, under medical care of people who should have known what they were doing. Who would think that calling for an ambulance, whilst someone is on a hospital ward, would even be an option.
It shouldn’t be an option.
You should be receiving the care, that you need, if you are on a hospital ward. Not just left to get on with it.
If she had been at home, we would have called for an ambulance, and then been taken to the A & E department, and then been cared for. But instead, she was on a ward, by and large, being ignored.

Did our life changing consequences occur because of that night?
Or had they already happened?
Or were they even just waiting to happen?
… I just don’t know the answers to these questions.

What I do know, is that as I left that night, I didn’t know if my wife would be with me, or not, the following morning?
I didn’t know if she would survive the night?
In some respects, I said goodbye to her, as I left.
Not knowing if we were doing the right thing or the wrong thing. But also not knowing what else to do?
Both me and my Mum where at our wits end, just hoping that they they would now just see her, and give my wife the care that she needed.

Did she receive any help or care, after we left, or was she just left to, “ride it out”, all night long … ???
Again, I just don’t have the answer to this question.

The next time I heard about my wife, was from my wife’s Mum. She had called the hospital, and had been told, “She is sleeping peacefully.” (My wife’s parents were a two hour journey away.)
Was she actually sleeping peacefully, or was she slowly edging closer to disaster day, when she was just a step away from just going, unseen by the staff, because they thought that she was just, “sleeping peacefully”?

I was completely wiped out by this point. A walking zombie.
Along with everything written above, we were still coming to grips with a miscarriage, which was the very start of the misadventure. With everything that was going on, the miscarriage was now low down on my list of concerns.

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It’s been a few days since I wrote the above.
After I wrote it, I was thinking, “What good can come from this?” I’m still partly wondering that.
But as time is going by, I’m starting to find that it’s not quite so raw, anymore. In some ways, this feels a little bit weird. I know what happened, and I am kind of aware that I should be outraged by all that had gone on, but a strange, dare I say it, sense of peace seems to be taking the place of the hurt. … ???
I would like to say that I’ve got a complete sense of peace, but that would be a lie. But I’m not as agitated as I think I should be?
Am I heading towards that greater sense of peace???

Is this journey towards peace because of three little words that I have been trying to apply into lots of situations?
Am I now able to apply them to my ugly rock, and then see a difference happen?

I would like to say that it had been easy, but it hasn’t been.
I would like to say that it all done in one sitting, but it wasn’t. Some moments were maybe 30 seconds of thinking something, then accepting it. Another moment could have been letting go of something by forgiving ones who came to my mind, myself included.
I’m struggling to think if I have repented of anything, but it may have been in there???

The three little words that I’m thinking of are, Accept, Repent and Forgive, There be Power Here!
It seems to be more evident to me that applying three little words, can lead to a release and a freedom from pain.

I would like to think that I am fully cured from the effects of what has happened to me and my wife, but I do think that could be a bit of wishful thinking. We are still currently living with the consequences of what has happened, although we are waiting for my wife to be completely healed. But I do believe that a large chunk of the pain and hurt has gone. Hopefully, that will continue as time goes on.

To publish or not?
I’m now leaning towards publishing. (If you are reading this, then the answer is evident.)
I will still seek guidance from my Lord God Almighty for the answer to that one. He does have the Power of Veto over me, after all.
I do have the small comforting thought that most of what I write, only gets seen by a very small number of people. So it will more than likely, only be a small something, seen by a few. 🙂

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This post was the latest from a series of posts.
For reference, the previous posts are listed below.

Will you work with Our Lord, to shape, your Ugly Rock?

It seems that I have my own Ugly Rock.

Will I share, What my Ugly Rock is?

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I thought that this post was going to be the end of the mini series, but there was one more.
The last post in this series is…
How do you cope when, the wheels fall off??