Will I share, What my Ugly Rock is?

This post follows on from the previous post of, It seems that I have my own Ugly Rock.

The short version of what is my ugly rock, is, … It’s a bad decision I made, a long time ago.
It’s something that I walked away from, partly thinking, “If I’m not here, then what is happening will be that much clearer, and then something will happen. Perhaps my being here is part of the problem ?”
With hindsight, I know that, that was bad thinking, and that I should have stayed, and carried on fighting for someone who was unable to fight for themselves.

The consequences of walking away that night….

I don’t know! I just don’t.
After I left, did what needed to happen, happen, or did nothing happen, which then lead to further complications later, which has then led me and my wife to, where we are today?
As I have said, “I just don’t know.”

I’ve had the scene from Good Will Hunting run through my mind, when Robin Williams (the actor) has Will’s history file in his hands, and is talking to Will. He states, “This is not your fault.” To which Will replies, “I know it’s not.” (Or there about.) The conversation repeats itself several times, until Will, truly starts to accept that, it’s not his fault.

The thought of. “It’s not my fault” helps.
I’d like to say that the thought is a magic wand, that removes all the pain, but it’s not. It does help, and I need to listen to the thought, even if I’m not convinced that it’s true. Listening to the thought seems to be part of accepting what has happened.

On some level, I do know, that it isn’t my fault, but doubts can have a way of trying to worm their way in. There is a need to be aware of this, then to send them away, when they try to make an appearance.
I have a need to seek, then Hear, what my Heavenly Father is speaking to me about the situation, and the thought, “It’s not your fault” is in the room.

The title of this post was going to be, “What is my Ugly Rock?” But so far, I feel that I have only given the slightest glimpse of what it is.
To properly answer that question, feels like I’ve got a box of matches, and that there is a stick of dynamite, in the ugly rock, that I need to light. I also have no idea of how powerful the stick of dynamite is!

Will it just blow away the shame and guilt that is present, or will it shatter the ugly rock into a thousand pieces, that’s just going to make a bigger mess?
I have been speaking to a few trusted people, and I’m coming round to the idea that it will be just blowing away the shame and guilt, but I can’t know that, until the fuse is lit.

In the picture, the matches were found amongst the smaller stones and rubble, as I made the choice to clear the smaller stones, as I was directed to.
The thought kind of goes, sometimes you can find the tools that you need, as you do the small bits that you can do, as you are directed to do so.

There is another thought that goes with lighting of the dynamite.
It’s to follow God’s direction of where to stand, after lighting the dynamite. If you are going to light a stick of dynamite, then it’s good to be behind a blast screen. If The Lord tells you “Stand here”, and The Lord places Himself between you and the rock, with the dynamite in it, then that is a good place to be.
Allow God to be your blast screen.

Will I actually light that fuse though?
Will I tell my secret to all or just a trusted few?
At the moment, I still don’t know the answer to that one. I’m still in the process of taking the next step.
At times I’m like, “Let’s just put it all out there!” Then I try to write a post to do just that, but end up just putting a few glimpses together, in a post, that then needs the title to be renamed. 🙂

So, what’s the next step now???
Will the stick of dynamite be such a small blast, that everyone will think, “What was all the fuss about?”
Will it be so small, that it will go by, completely unseen, except by the few who just happen to be looking in the right direction as it goes off?
Will it even go off? Could it be that something that is so huge in my mind, is actually a nothing, in everybody else’s view?
Or could it be, that the blast could be bigger than I can see?
Could the blast and the shrapnel travel further and faster than I would ever want it to and leave me thinking “What have I done?”
Am I ready for what comes next?
It feels as if it could be something, but it also feels that it could be nothing.

Lord, please continue to direct my steps.
Please help to know when, or even if, I should light this stick of dynamite.
If I do light it, then help me to know where to stand, in safety, under Your protection.

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The next post in this series is already written.
I’m still seeking a yes or no to post it, or not?
I’m inclined to post it, but my Heavenly father does have the power of veto over me.

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The answer of to post, or not, was a “Yes”
The next post is,
When the wheels fell off.